Father and Son

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

Dress Of Love

Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

Humor...

Veeru:basanti in kutto ke aage mat naachna.

Sardarji sitting with his dog in d theater:

Saali naachegi kaise nahi, kutte ka bhi ticket liya hai.

************ ********* ********* ********* *

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength: My wife, Jeeto.

2.Weakness: Banta’s wife, Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat: When I am on tour!

What is sex ???

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus
"Kamasutra" that ....Sex is…..

"Duty", if done with your Wife
"Art", if done with your Lover
"Education", if done with a Virgin
"Business Transaction" , if done with a
Prostitute
"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee
"Charity",
if done with a Widow &
"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand.

Gass ???

gass ??

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Sardar, Excellent...

Santa Kafi deir baad pind aya Pind di mitti Sung k kehnda "Hun te mitti di khushbo badal gai hai"

Banta; Yeh mitti nahi... Sukki tatti hai

300%

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his
tongue and broke his finger!"

Don't Laugh....

Dont Laugh....... ...!! :))

Thappar Maarnay par NaraZ Wife
se Husband bola:
"Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai."

Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur
Boli "Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti"

After 25 yrs wife said: Do u remember when u proposed me,
I was so overwhelmed I didnt talk for 1 hour
hubby:Yes dear that was happiest hour of my life!

A beggar- 'Oh sundari ! Andha hoon.
Sawa paanch rupya de de..
"Husband said 2 his wife- De de, tujhe
sundari bola hai to har haal mein andha hai...

Husband:u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife:Nonsense it's only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first...

Husband : (came frm office ) Darling i m tired should
a cup of coffee
Wife: oo sure sweetheart kitchen is besides you
but plz make its strong n ya sugar shud b less..

Deadly PJs...........

Please read at your own risk !!!!!! Fir bolna mat ke bataya nahi...





DPJ: 1



Brad Pitt & Vidya Balan get married...

After marriage, lots of students gather at their home... why ???



..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..



Because after marriage, her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth)





DPJ: 2



Rahul Gandhi : Mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi...



Sonia Gandhi : Kyun beta ???



Rahul Gandhi : Har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat (bahu mat) do...





DPJ: 3



BRUCE LEE was a great man...



But after his sister gave birth to a baby, he became an ordinary man...



Why so ???



Because than after, he became...



MAMU LEE!





DPJ: 4



Santa & Banta were discussing...

santa : If I drink coffee, I can't sleep !!!

Banta : With me it's the opposite. If I sleep I can't drink coffee...





DPJ: 5



One day Ravan went to a disco...



Aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya...



kyun ???



kyun ??



kyun ??



kyun ???



kyun ????



kyun ???



Bcoz it was written on the gate that "Entry fee Rs.1500 per head"





DPJ: 6



Who made Ganesh to Anesh...???





Think...





Think...





Think...





Think...





Okay...





"KAILASH KHER" - Tere naam se "G" loon...





DPJ: 7



Ek din ek aadmi apne naukar ko Priya Gold biscuit laane ko bolta hai.

To naukar biscuit laane Pakistan jaata hai.



Kyon ???







Think...







Give up ??







Bcoz...





Priya Gold biscuit - Haq se maango...

 

Wake me @6

After a very long , angry and tiring argument, Mr. and Mrs. Williams went to bed saying that they will not talk to each other now. Mr. Williams want to wake up early in the morning, so he left a note on his wife’s side bedtable by writing “Wake me at 6 am.”
When Mr. Williams awoke late at 11 am in the morning he quickly move out of bed to see a note on his bed’s side table:
“It’s 6 am , you bum! Get out of bed!”

Rekha Bomb Hai

Ek baar ek terrorist ne Rekha ke ghar mein bomb rakh diya.
Log chillaye : Rekha bomb hai, Rekha bomb hai.
Rekha sambhal kar boli : Dhatt teri ki, woh toh mein jawani mein thi !! Ab nahi rahi.

English And French

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference of officers from the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. A French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: “Why is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than speak French?”

Without hesitating, an American Admiral replied: “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.” The group became silent.

Husband Vs. Wife

Wo Kaun Thi
Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne
Hello Kiya,
Wife- Koun Thi Wo?
Hus-Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi


wife hit her husband with frying pan Husband: What was that for…?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Message of the year

Women live a better, longer & peaceful life…!!
Why? Very simple.
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Wife came home with a goat.

Husband asked”Is bhains ko ghar kion lai ho?”
Wife:”Dikhta nahin, bakri hy!”
Husband:”Bakri se hi poch raha hon”

Husband wife mein ladai ho gayi
Husband wife mein ladai ho gayi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya ,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kya hai”
Wife:Zeher.
Husb:Mai dair se aoonga, tum kha kar so jana:

Sir, my wife is missing.
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai, police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kya karon, khushi k mare kuch samajh nahin aa raha

Why did u shoot ur wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife, instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar:Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

How women call their husband in first 6 years
How woman calls their husband in first 6 years
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O jee.
Yr 3. Sunte ho?
Yr 4. O bunty k pappa
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho ya main aaon?

Wife to husband:- kash aap sms hotay
Wife: Jaanu kash aap SMS hotay, Main aap ko save karti,
Husband: Jaan-e-man, kaash tum ring tone hoti, Main her haftay tumhe change karta

Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Sardar ki wife inspecter se!
Mera husband ek hafte pehle aaloo lene gaya tha abhi tak wapis nahi aaye:-(
Inspector bhi sardar tha bola:- to behan kuch or paka lo:-)

1 horror movie dekhi
Husband:rat ko mene 1 horror movie dekhi, 1 chudeil kabhi mere aage
kabhi piche aur kabhi sath chal rahi thi,
Wife:Kaun si movie thi?
Husband:Apni shadi k

Sardarji Strikes Back.........

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.

U know why?

Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking...


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********


Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir,  just dial 123 to know current bill status.
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y?
When asked him, he said,"Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister.....



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Ek sardar Indian Flag lene shop mein  gaya  tha. Shopwale ne usse flag diya. Sardar bola: Isme aur colour dikhao!!!



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile “1 Miss Call".



************ * ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sir: What is difference between  Orange  and Apple?
Sardar: Color of  Orange  is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay.While its landing he shouted: "  Bombay  !  Bombay  !!"
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay! Ombay!!"



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied:
"I Mr. YOU" !!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Sardar: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Sardar: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Sardar: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Sardar:We lost the duplicate key!!



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road???
Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office...



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Son: papa, 4+3 kithne hai?
Sardar: ullu ke patthe gadhe idiot naalaayak besharam tujhe kuch nahi aathaa?
Jaa andhar se CALCULATOR le ke Aa..



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch &
Finally Said:"Oye, Torch is okay"



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS,  KRISHNA  , RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?"
 
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!



************

Tongue Twister

Make sure you get every single word right!

Read the following and then see further down for
more instructions at the end. Read this a bit loud to yourself now:-

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat..

Now read the THIRD word in each line then you will understand what is funny in this.

Some Texture Humor.........

A married woman went to the priest for confession. She said, "Father, I
have sinned, I sexed seven times last night with this stranger. Please have
Lord forgive me for my adultery."
The priest says, "Go take seven big lemons, squeeze the juice to the last
drop in a glass and drink it off in a seven seconds."
The woman said, "Will that absolve me of my condemnable sin of adultery."
The priest says, "No way, but it sure will wipe off this smile of Seven
Sex from your face."

==
One Free
A middle aged lady interviewed the sure candidate boy
for her pretty daughter's hand in marriage.

Lady shook up the boy and asked : "So you want to become my son-in-law?"
Boy said, "No not really, but I don't see how else to get your daughter to
marry me?"

==
Troubles to Bed
You know, Do not take your troubles to bed
but you do it anyway, take your wife to
bed night after night and then complain
life is very unhappy.

==
Failed Responsibility
The wife complained, "you came so drunk
That you fell down in a gutter yesterday night
And I had to bring you home.

Husband defended, "Honey it is not my fault,
Those damn friends of mine betrayed me
they didn't share the bottles I ordered
for all of them.

Funny Jokes (Strictly for 18+ only)

*GRAMMAR TEACHER
Why did the Grammar teacher slap Santa's Son?
B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items, and PANTIES
plural when it covers only one item?*

*PITAAYI*
Jewellery shop mein Santa ki zabardast pitaayi ho gai. Kyon?
Sanata ne sales-girl se kaha: Aapki ek ek item gazab ki hai. Sone ka kya
rate lengi.

BEE *
Lady golfer storms angrily into clubhouse.
Golf PRO: What's wrong?
Lady: Got stung by a bee.
PRO: Where?
Lady: Between the 1st and 2nd hole!

CORONARY ARTERY BYPASS SURGERY*
Lucky Singh had just had coronary artery bypass surgery a month ago and now
is at the doctor's office for his final follow up visit. Of course
Lucky wants to know when he can start having sex again.
The doctor explains to Lucky that he would be able to resume his sex life as
soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded.
Lucky listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for the women who
live on the ground floor?"


*MUSHARRAF*
Musharraf: Jab main paida hua tha to military valon ne 51 topain chalain.
Santa Singh: Kamal hai ji, sab ka nishana chook gaya?

*VIRGIN*
Banta ne Suhag raat ko biwi se pucha: Kya tum VIRGIN ho?
Biwi: Ji, magar PEECHE se! Aur Tum?
Banta: Main bhi, magar aage se.

*UNUSUAL** *
Santa, on long tour, asks Banta to inform him if anything unusual happens at
home.
Banta SMSs after a month: Man who comes to screw your wife daily, didn't
come today.

Banta: It is a shame but let me confess I have become HOMOSEXUAL.
Wife: How come?
Banta: I have Sex at HOME only!
Wife: Thank God I am not!

*GIFT*
Santa "Ek condom dena, girlfrend ko gift dena hai"
Dukaandar : Is par gift cover charha doon?
Santa: Arre nahi yehi to cover hai. Gift to mere paas hai.

Husband Vs. Wife

1. Apni Biwi
ko apni 100% kamai dene se 10% Sukh milta hai.
Kisidoosri ko apni kamai ka 10% dene pe 100% sukh milta hai
... Paisa apka ... Faisla
apka .. . Jaago Graahak Jaago
!!!
2.
"Funny but true fact !!A woman worries
about her future till she gets a husband, A man never worries about his future
until he gets a wife !! ..What do u
say?
3.
A Man before
marriage is - Superman. After Marriage - Gentleman. 5 Years Later - Watchman. 10 Years later - Apne Hi Jaal Mein fasaa hua
Spiderman.
4.
Life me
hamesha Haste raho,muskrate raho, gaate raho, gungunate raho... taki tumhe dekh
kar hi log samaj jaye k tum... " UNMARRIED" ho.
5.
Wife- agar main kho
gayi to tum kya karoge?
Husband - main TV
aur newspaper mein Ad dunga ki jaha kahin bhi ho.....

KHUSH RAHO
6.
Why love marriage is
better dan Arranged???? B'coz a "KNOWN
DEVIL" is better dan an "UNKNOWN GHOST".
7.
Wife: main tumhari
yaad mein 2O din mein hi aadhi ho gayi hoon, mujhe lene kab aa rahe ho?

HUSBAND: 2O din aur ruk
jaao.
8.
A man gave an add in
Matrimonial column
"PATNI CHAHIYE"
He got 1000 replies
all saying:-
" Meri
Le Ja...!"
''Meri Le Ja...!''
9.
Husband to Hotel
Manager: "Jaldi chalo! meri biwi khidki se kud kar jaan dena chahti
hai"
Manager: "What can
I do?
Husband"Kamine,
khidki nahi khul rahi hai."
10.
Telling a lie is a
fault for a little
boy,
an art for a lover,
an accomplishment
for a bachelor and
a Matter of
Survival for a married man.
Gud
Luck!

School Humor, Nice But Innocent Jokes...

Here are some sayings from
School.....smile!
.



Teacher: 'What is your name?'

Student: 'Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.'

Teacher: 'When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.'



Student: 'My name is
Sunlight.




Teacher: 'What is
your name?'.

Student: 'My name is Beautiful Red Underwear'

Teacher: 'What kind of a name is this? Don't joke tell me the right name'

Student: 'My name is Sunderlal Chadda."






Teacher: What happened in 1869?

Student: Gandhiji was born.

Teacher: What happened in 1873?

Student: Gandhiji was four years old.








Teacher: What is the full form of maths?



Student: Mentally affected teachers
harassing students



Teacher:Now children, if I saw a
man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing?

Student: BROTHERLY LOVE

Teacher: Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on
15th August?

Student: A holiday



Teacher: 'Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? '




Johnny: 'Sir, my mother and father
got married on the same day same time.'




Teacher:How old is ur father.

Sunny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?



Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)





Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost
Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?

Student: 32 yrs.

Teacher: How do you know?

Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Father Vs. Son (Only for Hindi Language People, Again sorry for others)

Baap Says:

Beta - Maine Tere Liye Ek Ladki Dekhi Hai…..

Woh RupWati,

BhagyaWati,

SarasWati Hai….

Beta Says:

Bap - Per Main Ek Ladki Se Pyar Karta Hun Aur

Woh GarbhWati Hai…