Funny One Linersss..............

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!

• A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

• Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

• Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.

• Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!

• An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.

• Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

• It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.

• There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

• Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

• A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just shit in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?

• Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'

• Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'

• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

• A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"

• Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

• Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.
A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!

• I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't type.

• Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

• An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"

• A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!

• A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.

• Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"

• An application for job came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".

• What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked.
"No idea, said Ville."
"When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins."
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

• As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINK
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!

• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!

• Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

• Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !

• People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,
People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted.

• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

• Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.

• Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

• Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
Mom: Where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.

• Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

• In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.

• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.

• Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I'm still making payments.

• Your daddy must be a terrorist because you're a BOMB!

• Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”

• Two taxicab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

• Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

• The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

• Q: What's the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it's hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!

• A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

• Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.

• Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

• Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"

• A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"

• Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

• Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Banta: Me too, after you leave.
Sign in a pathology: It might be piss and shit for u, but for us it is bread and butter.

• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

• Heght of optimism:
Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!

• Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
Rilroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

• A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.

• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

• Banta: Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our street except one."
Wife: I'll bet it's that stuck-up Rupa at number 14.

• Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

• Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

• Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get your shitty ideas from!
The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it.

• Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early & found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

• Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

• Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.

• Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

• Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.

• Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'

• Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

• A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.

• There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

• "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

• When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

• Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.

• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

• Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.

• Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.

• Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

• Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

• Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.

• The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.

• Q: Why do blondes keep empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case they want a black coffee.

• Q: Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
A: To check his balance.

• The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

• Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

• Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.